I opened the fridge and stared blankly into the cheeseless light.
I never even used to eat cheese. My mum is allergic and as a small child I convinced myself that I was too. So I never touched the stuff. It wasn’t until I was about fifteen that I discovered the glory that is melted cheddar. This was a chink in the door that would soon be open to me – a whole new world of flavour. Mozzarella di Buffala, Parmigiano Reggiano; Crowdie, Caboc, Isle of Mull; Brie, Pont-L’Eveque, Reblochon; Gruyere, Tete de Moine; Babybel, Cheesestrings! Oh the Cheesestrings.
I picked up the packet of vegan cheese and read the ingredients, bleary eyed and looking for that satisfaction that only cheese on toast can deliver. Coconut oil. Coconut cheese. The world has gone mad. I put it back and scanned the shelves a again, looking for something a little more appetising. Settling on a bagel with hummus, I brought my sad snack through to bed and munched on it, willing the particles to morph their texture into that cheesy gooey goodness I craved. Alas, the hummus tasted like hummus.
The number of vegans in the UK has risen by 360% in the last decade. That’s pretty impressive if you consider the fact that the first modern-day vegans banded together just seventy-three years ago. Veganism, however, has been discussed since 1806, when Dr William Lambe and Percy Bysshe Shelley both rejected eggs and dairy due to moral reasons. Even Pythagoras – who we all remember was the triangle guy from high school – spoke about meat-free diets on the basis that all sentient life forms should be equal. That was around 500 BC – so really back in the day. For ten days I was going to attempt to follow in their footsteps.
Most of my friends are vegetarian, with a single vegan thrown into the mix. The vegetarians were all very interested in my little experiment, especially going from full-on meat-eater to practically nothing. They’ve toyed with the idea of giving up dairy for health reasons so I was their canary in the mine, their rat in the maze, they were all watching to see if I’d fail, give up or find it just too difficult to live this way.
Fifty grams of chia seeds, fifty grams of protein enriched granola, a couple of bananas, some almond milk. I blitzed up the make-shift protein shake. It was still fifteen grams of protein short of the quick whey shakes that I’d usually have after the gym. There’s just a little more prep and a little more effort that goes into everything when you only eat plants.
“No thanks, I would, but I’m being vegan for a bit so I can’t eat that,” it was a common thread of conversation I’ve had to endure. I’m honestly not sure how people can do this all the time. All the different ways you can eat coconut are only novel for a couple of days. The one thing I will say is that they really know how to make a sausage. I’m converted. I don’t think I’ll eat a real sausage again, not when the miracle that is a Linda McCartney vegan sausage exists in the same dimension.
My first meat meal I had after the ten days was a Tesco’s finest caramelised onion sausage sandwich. As far as sausages go these ones are pretty nice. But it just wasn’t the same. It had lost it’s magic. The skin was tough and chewy and the flavour just wasn’t what I’d remembered it being. Maybe it has been the diet of multicultural spiced vegetable dishes that took the sparkle out of the saveloy, but whatever the reason it wasn’t so appetising. Surprisingly enough meat wasn’t high on my list of wishes. I thought tuna and bacon would top the charts, but instead it was eggs and cheese that stole my heart and lead to an underdog win in what can only be described as the serious dairy munchies. The fact that I spend a lot of my time dining in and out with vegetarians probably has something to do with this. I can really appreciate a vegetarian diet – they love a bit of cheese.
One of my veggie friends, Ilaria, is Italian so she took this opportunity to make me lots of food to test out cooking as a vegan. I was definitely not complaining. Everything she made was pretty tasty – lentil “meatballs”, vegan “parmesan”, and all things coconut. Her cheesecake was a bit of a fail, and it became our mission to make the perfect vegan cheesecake. I am happy to tell you that I think I achieved this. So much so that I think I will use the vegan recipe over my diary recipe in the future. Through this journey I discovered that I excel in making vegan junk food. So as a vegan-for-health-reasons test subject I kind of failed. That cheesecake though was pretty damn good. Vegan hot chocolate was another one of my specialities. Along with vegan mac and cheese.
“It actually tastes like cheese!” Ilaria exclaimed while giving me this wide eyed stare.
“I used your vegan parmesan.”
“It’s good! I’m impressed.”
The cheesecake brought on some surprised faces too.
“It actually tastes like cheesecake!” was the response I got from all my guinea pigs. Making
things “actually taste” like cheese seemed to be the theme of this experiment. More so than I expected. One thing I didn’t expect was to survive the whole ten days.
Now, at this point I’m going to let you in on a little secret. My original plan was to do this for two weeks. You’re just going to have to trust that I stopped early due to the fact I wanted to talk to you about my transition back to meat, and not because it was Pancake Day. But I guess that’s for you to decide.
Declined. Shit. I typed in my PIN number for the third time. Declined. Crap. My debilitating spending habit had manifested itself once again. Both in the form of having no money left, and also in the form of the mountain of vegan food sitting packed in bags next to me. Apologising to the man in the line behind me I quickly prayed I’d not also used up all my data on my phone. Thankfully the 3G gods were on my side today and I transferred more of my savings into my main account. I paid the self service machine and was on my way.
Sticking to things – budgets for examples – has never been my strong point. But I was determined to stick this out. Even though I cut my fourteen days to ten, I still feel proud of myself for getting through the cravings, the “no sorry I can’t eat that”s and the numerous bathroom trips. For once I had stuck to something and even though I’ve decided against veganism as a life-long lifestyle change I’m happy I persevered. To be honest it wasn’t as hard as I thought it was going to be. It was just a lot of substituting things and trying to make things taste the same as the real thing. Also a lot of label reading. A lot of label reading. It wasn’t easy but it wasn’t the bland culinary journey I was lead to believe it would be.
I love meat. But I also love animals. I believe in sustainable farming. I also believe in hunting. Growing up in Oban I was surrounded by farms. One of my friends used to bring eggs to school for the other eleven students’ families, as they just had too many of them. I’m used to that rich orange egg yolk and chickens running free. Being from the back end of nowhere, hunting was another way to obtain food that was pretty common. Yes it was a sport, but it was not trophy hunting. Even after these past ten days I still think these are the most humane ways to obtain eggs and meat. I’d like to say my views have changed but I guess they have just been solidified.
Maybe I’d believe a little bit more in veganism if I could see the sustainability in it. Sustainability – the key to future survival of our little planet. Vegans will have you believe that planting food in the ground is the best way to do this, and you know what, if you’re just planting your own food then that’s probably true. But in a world where we rely on supermarkets and cities, home kitchen-gardening isn’t always a viable option – to be fair neither is owning your own chickens. However, almost all products that are advertised as “vegan friendly” also contain palm oil. Go and give “palm oil” a Google – go on. It won’t be the Wikipedia page that pops up first. “Say No to Palm Oil”, “What’s Wrong with Palm Oil?” “Palm Oil – Deforestation for Everyday Products”. I’ve been aware of the environmental effects of palm oil for a while and make an effort to avoid companies which utilise this product. However it has been near impossible to avoid it whilst being vegan.
Now, if you choose to not use any products that test on animals or use animal produce – including anything with honey in it – surely it would make sense to boycott those items that destroy these same animals habitats too? Apparently not.
Hypocrisy is a key aspect to veganism. I mean, how far do you take it? You sign on the line and give up all animal harming foods and products. Then you get ill. All new pharmaceutical drugs have to go through rigorous animal testing before use on humans is allowed. So do you swear off all drugs as well and just smoke away the cancer with cannabis instead? Probably. I’ve also watched many a vegan snort lines of questionable chemicals whilst lecturing me on my lifestyle choices. Do you really think that not one animal or child was harmed in the drug’s journey from the maker to that coffee table. And while we are talking about children – your clothes from the high street, stitched together with bleeding fingers of kids in sweat shops, are they okay? Because no animals were harmed? Let’s just not think about it. Palm oil, palm oil, palm oil. The main ingredient in much of your diet has caused twenty-seven million hectares of rainforest to be destroyed. Don’t get me started on vegans with cats! You either buy meat anyway or end up making your pet sick because you refuse to feed a carnivore meat. I’m starting to feel like I’m being a little critical on vegans… okay a lot critical. Maybe it has something to do with the lack of protein and cheese.
The taste of melted cheese and ham was a glorious combination. The texture, the taste, the heat. It was amazing, a little sexual. The absence had definitely made this heart grow fonder. When I flipped over the buttered sandwich it had made a sizzling noise so satisfying it coaxed a little saliva out. This was a celebration of everything vegans deny themselves.
There’s a certain kind of admiration I reserve for people keeping themselves from these sorts of pleasures in life. Maybe its madness, but it shows some strength. Or maybe I’m just putting a little bit too much emphasis on the power of cheese.
My bits and pieces. 